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Old 25.09.2009, 12:22 PM
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Northern Soul Northern Soul is offline
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Default ESPN power rankings for the 2009 Season

This is not my work at all, but a poster on the Cards board.
I thought it deserved to be posted here as well.


ESPN’s Power Rankings For the Rest of the 2009 Season (Warning! Spoiler alert!)

Week 3 Ranking: 20 (18)
So the Cardinals beat the previously undefeated Colts 31-28. This means the Colts weren’t as good as we thought. We knew it. And Peyton Manning obviously was overrated to begin with if he could only manage 230 yards against Arizona’s cupcake secondary.

Week 4 Ranking: 21 (20)
Contenders find ways to score points during bye weeks. Contenders sack opposing QBs during bye weeks. Contenders find a way to win even during bye weeks. The fact that the Cardinals just took the week off proves they’re pretenders. Fitzgerald was held to zero catches for zero yards this week too. Can we say Madden Curse?

Week 5 Ranking: 23 (21)
Don’t let the final score or the Cards’ 3-1 record fool you. Picking off Matt Schaub 11 times is not that big a deal, especially when your soft defense lets him actually last an entire game. Besides, when you’ve got a running back named BEANIE, it doesn’t matter that he tore up the Texans for 234 yards on the ground. Beanie isn’t sexy like AP, LD, or Favre.

Week 6 Ranking: 25 (21)
Cards fans are getting on our case about our power rankings, and maybe they’ll get ticked that we’re ranking Seattle two slots higher this week despite their loss to the Red Birds. But Seattle put up nearly 100 yards of offense against them. And Stoney Case was once drafted by the Cardinals. So we’re holding that against them.

Week 7 Ranking: 29 (25)
AHA! See?! We told you the Cards are overrated! Any team playing that hard and making it that close and losing by three whole points to the undefeated Giants AT NY are clearly pretenders. Eli Manning continues to show why he is a great QB in crunch time. That errant Hail Mary he threw after Karlos Dansby hit his arm, and which bounced off a ref’s head, into the stands, back into play after a fan swatted it, and into the leaping arms of Mario Manningham, who somehow jumped 12 feet in the air to snag the winning score, is a testament to Manning’s immeasurable talent. And it continues to show why the Cardinals will never be legit. Same old Cards.

Week 8 Ranking: 29 (29)
Yeah, the Cards bounced back and beat Carolina following their 3-point blowout loss at NY last week. And yeah, the Cards defense managed to get Jake Delhomme released this week after his flukish five-INT performance. But we’re still ranking the winless Lions ahead of the Red Birds. Why? Because we went to gud sports riting skules.

Week 9 Ranking: 31 (29)
So much for the Cardinals overcoming the Super Bowl Hangover. Stick a fork in them. They’re done after losing this one big-time, 21-20. Anyone can and should win at Soldier Field against the 7-1 Bears. Even the 0-8 Rams, which we’re ranking one slot higher this week because they narrowly beat the 42-point spread.

Week 10 Ranking: 32 (31)
Yes, we’re ranking the lowly Browns and pathetic Lions ahead of the Cardinals this week. Maybe Cards fans and simpletons are impressed by 31-point wins AT HOME against a mediocre Seattle squad. But these are meaningless wins against meaningless teams. Great teams, like Favre and the Vikings, beat great teams like the Browns and Lions.

Week 11 Ranking: 34 (32)
We’ve ranked the University of Florida and Grambling ahead of the Cards this week for letting the 1-10 Rams make a game of it. Seriously, when you’re up by 40 in the 3rd quarter, and your third-string team, water boys, and marketing interns give up 12 points to the inept Rams offense, you know you’re a paper 7-3 team.

Week 12 Ranking: 33 (34)
All right. Fine. We’ll bump up the Cards one slot after their fluke of an upset win at Tennessee. But Grambling’s still the better squad. Why? Because they don’t have a 1000-yard rusher named Beanie! And the Cards once traded for Dave Brown. DAVE BROWN!

Week 13 Ranking: 33 (33)
Favre. We love Favre. We would perform acts of salacious pleasure on Favre. Favre gives life meaning. All hail Favre. Favre created the world in six days, beating out god by a whole day thanks to his quick, firm decision-making. Favre, we’ve missed you since you got knocked out in week 4. Please come back and make life worth living again. With you, there’s no way the lowly 9-3 Cards beat your team. And Tavaris Jackson just doesn’t look as sexy or rugged handing off the ball to AP 51 times.

Week 14 Ranking: 32 (33)
Just so Cardinals fans stop complaining incessantly about all that so-called media disrespect of their lowly, underachieving, overrated 10-3 team. (Despite Don Banks moving up your team to 28 today. What more do you want?) Your team is now better than Grambling. But still not better than the 1-13 Lions. Even with that marginally impressive win against former division-leading SF. Big deal. Anyone can beat down Mike Singletary. Peter King said so too when he mentioned your team in item 15g of his informative, intelligent 10 Things I Think.

Week 15 Ranking: 32 (32)
Yes, we’re still ranking the Lions higher than the Cards despite their record-setting loss to the Red Birds. Why? Because Favre used to carve up the Lions more impressively, and we worship Favre and his manly Wrangler Jeans. Besides, the Cards passed on drafting Ryan Leaf, at a time when EVERYONE, even Mel Kiper Jr. and god almighty Himself, had him as the second-rated prospect in that year’s draft. That’s why the Cards never win or make it to the Super Bowl (Gene Wojciechowski said we should stop counting last year, which was a total fluke anyway because the Eagles should have won).

Week 16 Ranking: 31 (32)
Nice win, guys. Really. We mean it. No, not really. You guys are still pretenders and would still get killed by the likes of Montana, Elway, and Marinovich. At 12-3, you’ve wrapped up your pansy division and a first-round bye. Which is why we’re ranking you ahead of the Rams. But you’re still the worst team in playoff history (Gene Wojciechowski says we should no longer count last year’s fluke playoff run), so we’re not ranking you higher than the Lions, who managed their first touchdown in six games yesterday thanks to that blooper play involving those chipmunks.

Week 17 Ranking: 67 (31)
This is why we’ll never be convinced the Cards are legit, no matter what their crybaby fans keep screaming at us. Contenders don’t rest their starters during meaningless games against teams fighting for a playoff spot. Contenders don’t start a QB who’d never seen a football in his life and lose to scrappy teams by 10 points. Contenders don’t fall to 12-4 on the last week of the season before starting the playoffs they’ve flukishly stumbled into. Contenders don’t have Rookie of the Year candidates named BEANIE! So yes, even the UFL’s Orlando Tuskers would beat this squad. Because at least their running backs weren’t named after flatulent vegetables. Same old Cards.

Conference Semi-Final Ranking: 45 (67)
We suppose Cards fans are going to whine about our rankings despite their team’s win over the Falcons this week. But the Falcons are still ranked higher because they have cooler birds on their helmets. Cardinals are not cool, just small and chirpy. And Brett Favre started off with the Falcons. And we bow down before Favre as we wait for his decision regarding his omnipotent return next season. Oh Favre, please bestow thine manly, rugged manliness on us lowly mortals, we humbly implore thee.

Conference Championship Ranking: 33 (45)
The Cards, the absolute worst excuse of a playoff team in sports history, are going to the Super Bowl again. Are we supposed to be impressed? Beating the one-loss Giants at NY during a blizzard is no big deal. Favre did it all the time—alone. The Cards needed 53 guys to pull off the upset. Now 11-1 Florida, on the other hand, beat 4-6 Ohio State 103-10 this week for the national championship. Now THAT’S how you beat down a worthy, underrated opponent.

Super Bowl Ranking: 35 (33)
Cardinals humiliate the Patriots 41-3 to win their first ever title. Guess the Patriots weren’t that good, then. And Adrian Wilson getting MVP honors for his 12 tackles, two picks, two sacks, and fumble recovery? And not Tom Brady for flashing that sexy, Favrelicious smile during the pregame interview? Puh-lease. Wilson missed that one tackle that led to one of the Patriots’ six first downs. I’m sure the 1-15 Lions would have shut them out entirely. So would have the XFL’s L.A. Xtreme, which we’re ranking higher this week. The Cards? They once started Stan Gelbaugh at QB. That’s why they never win. Same old Cards.
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Old 25.09.2009, 01:55 PM
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AZ AZ is offline
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, very good

stick a fork in us, we are done....

some folk never learn. I just hope it has the same effect on the team as last year.
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Old 26.09.2009, 04:19 PM
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boknows34 boknows34 is offline
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Stan Gelbaugh!
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